all sorts of intercourse

I don’t know what your sex education classes were like but I attended an all girl catholic school so ours were pretty abysmal. There were blackboard diagrams of fallopian tubes and a grainy twenty minute film of a girl who didn’t say “No” and ended up in a home for unwed mothers. Very enlightening. I don’t recall birth control being mentioned at all and we certainly didn’t get to see a condom application demonstration on one of these Teaching Kits

This is what else turns up when you type “wooden condom” into google

Woodos™ was started in 1865 when Harry Ryeman dug up a prehistoric wooden condom outside his apartment complex in Britian. Harry realized he could market this revolutionary product. After years of putting his hard working Christian values to the test, he emerged with a product with no significant advantage over the one he dug up. He then hired his buddy, Woody, to help him construct a larger, and more elongated wooden condom. Several year’s later, Woodos™ was born, and with it, the golden age of wooden condoms.

Wood Contour computers here

Woodos™ is still operated by these two men, and their corporation still stands by their original seal of quality. “If it isn’t long, hard, and elongated, then it isn’t a Woodos™,” Harry Ryeman has been known to say. Harry and Woody still maintain their business model of excellent customer service. They offer a lifetime warranty on all Woodos™ condoms, and have several authorized maintenance shops set up through the country.

Every single wooden condom produced at the Woodos™ factory is put through an extensive testing process to ensure only the finest condoms are delivered to the customer. After a batch is finished, each individual condom is thoroughly inspected for cracks and blemishes by a Licensed Condom Technician. They are also checked for splinters, which are sanded out in-house. I bet you’re saying, “How can wooden condoms be so great if they could give me splinters on my wang?” While splinters are indeed an unfortunate side effect of the wooden condom on occasion, the risk is worth it to be able to wear a hand-crafted Woodos™.

After the splinter checking phase, the condom is then taken to a heat chamber, where it is exposed to temperatures similar to those experienced during intercourse, both anal and vaginal. After this phase, another technician will take the condom to the “playground”, where he will use the condom during all sorts of intercourse. The condom is then immediately shipped out with the semen still in the condom, to keep the condom as fresh and sanitary as possible until it arrives at your door.


Our custom shop can make you a condom of up to 7 feet, and in any type of wood or composite. We can also emblazon your condom with logos and insignias! Want some neon lights? The shop does that too! We can put almost anything on our wooden condoms! We have put on spinners, LEDs, speakers, iPod docking stations, and many other things in the past! Need food on the job? Our custom shop technicians can add a toaster oven and a hot plate! You’re all good to go! Work in shady areas of town? Then the condom/handgun may be just the thing, available in several different calibers! Want your partner to suck your shlong? Well then you might consider getting your condom finished in one of our many delicious flavors! Are you an outdoorsman? If so, the Wooden Condom/Swiss Army Knife may be for you!


Latex condoms only offer a 99% protection rate, and only when worn properly. How often does that happen? Wooden condoms can offer up to 99.3% protection, and it’s virtually impossible to wear it incorrectly. With a wooden condom on your shlong, your tool will appear much more pronounced and sizable.

You grandchildren will be proud to inherit such a timeless classic! These wooden condoms hold so much value, they will never go out of style! Pass your condom down from generation to generation! Your family may never need to buy another condom again once you perish. When you buy a wooden condom for yourself, you’re investing in your family’s sexual future.

Published in: on August 25, 2010 at 8:17 am  Comments (40)  
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40 CommentsLeave a comment

  1. Tee hee …. that reminds me of the joke asking if you smoke after intercourse ….. “I don’t know … I’ve never looked.”

    • I think Archie is beginning to rub off on me …. [that sounds very wrong doesn’t it?]

      • Ahem! I woodn’t go that far – – –

  2. I was chuckling happily until I reached the part about the item being shipped out with semen to keep it fresh and sanitary. eweuu!

    • My response exactly. I prefer my condoms unused. Even wooden ones.

  3. also from the website was this gem:
    Have an “urge” to fuck the shit out of dead bodies?

    i think i’ll go back to shaving the baby, thank you.

  4. How did the words “wooden” and “condom’ come together in your head?

    • I just spun the lazy susan…..

      • She’s a game girl …. [dammit Archie, you made me do it again!]

  5. It’s not often someone get to say “I have to go to my fucking job,” but that technician on the playground gets to say that every day.

    Also, it looks more like you can save the hobbit rather than the baby. Or Mr. Tumnus from Narnia.

  6. Haha Uncyclopedia is hilarious.

    There is something organic about a nice bit of walnut buffesd up to a nice shine.

    On the other hand is a small membrum virilis considered to be a woodworm?

    • Ha! Membrum virilis – I love it.

  7. It certainly gives new meaning to the word woody. I’m assuming repairs are needed whenever splinters become a problem?

    And then there’s the ubiquitous steely dan . . .

    • I find Burroughs unreadable

  8. STOP! Do NOT use wooden condoms! Having turned up a beautiful one for the second Mrs Affer and myself to use, she contracted Crutch Elm Disease and had to be felled.

    • oh no. how tragic!

  9. Ummm. Hickory dickory…?

  10. I want one in boxwood.

    • – or maybe Pussy-willow. So hard to decide.

      • Surely a man such as yourself needs two Kyk

      • just avoid crabapple

  11. It’s very considerate of them to sand them so well.

  12. It took me all day to read this. How long did it take you to write it?

  13. Oh disgusting. We’re so lucky to have a fabulous Planned Parenthood here. They do wonderful sex education programs in the schools (when they’re allowed by right wing extremists…sigh) and have great materials in their offices. I remember our 5th grade class getting shipped off to Discovery Place for a sex/ “your changing body” class. Rumors were flying about how they would get a volunteer at the front of the room and point. How funny is that?

  14. Didn’t have a sex ed class. We had health in 5th grade where they put the girls in one room and the boys in another and told us about what was happening to our little puberty approaching bods. All subsequent classes were about STDs, accompanied by lovely color photos.

  15. So many different materials have been recruited.

  16. Sanitary and fresh!?!?! LOL!!

    And this is a dildo more than a condom.

    • It’s so TOTALLY a STRAP-ON! (sans strap)

  17. What’s a condom?

    Is that like a Jimmy Hat?

  18. Nurse, I think the follow-up story should be on the prehistoric tribe of the Saxons or Angles who supposedly left their wooden device behind in the ground. On second thoughts, it was probably the Romans!

  19. Your line “the golden age of wooden condoms….” got me to thinking… Has there ever been a golden age of golden dildos? Because there could, like, be a market for that.

  20. No link? I won’t tell of your secret source on this one . . . shhhh

    • You mean uncyclopedia? the link is there, just run your mouse over the words “wooden condom” that are in dark brown type

  21. Splinter checking phase… LOL.

  22. Nope, not taking any chances on getting a splinter in my pal.

  23. Dear lord. Some of those things scare me a bit.

  24. That’s a good wood for Tiger to carry in an emergency.

    With some attachments it can also be used as a chastity instrument on men.

  25. lol. that is just so wrong.

  26. How the Hell is my wood supposed to compete with Maple Wood? The shiz ain’t fair 🙂

  27. I’m so glad I’ve never had to deal with wood. Read that as however you like.

    Also, I’m a little bit drunk.

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