healthy strokes

Since this is (or was) a hospital blog you’re probably expecting a post on TMS to be about transcranial magnetic stimulation. This is not the case today as it’s my sad duty as a medical professional to instead warn you about the dangers of traumatic mastubatory syndrome.


TMS is the habit some males have of masturbating in a face-down (prone) position. Some TMS practitioners rub their penises against the mattress, pillow, or other bedding, or the floor, others lie on their stomachs and thrust into their hands.*

These sensations are not easily replicated in conventional masturbation or in sexual intercourse. It’s a common experience among males who are used to masturbating face down to engage in sexual intercourse for over half an hour, fail to have an orgasm, and then try to reach orgasm in an atypical way, such as thrusting the penis against his partner’s legs, palm, or bed. Needless to say, the female partners of these men find their behavior unusual and disturbing.**


Conventional masturbation is a basic sexual skill for males. By not being able to masturbate conventionally, these males are lacking a basic sexual skill. Dr. Lawrence I. Sank reiterates that masturbation is supposed to be performed with the hand while lying supine. The very nature of TMS means that it can only be done in bed. Normal males can masturbate almost anywhere.


Most men with TMS, if they can have intercourse at all, are usually limited to the “missionary” position. They also report an inability to achieve orgasm from fellatio.*** Since they are unable to manually stimulate themselves to orgasm, naturally they are unable to have manual intercourse performed on them by a partner. The majority of males who masturbate conventionally have had intercourse successfully in at least five positions.

Let’s take a step back from masturbation and talk about ejaculation. It’s necessary for males past puberty to ejaculate. The male sexual organs produce a number of fluids that have to be eliminated periodically. Doctors specializing in sexuality generally agree that a male must ejaculate at least once every two weeks to avoid damage to his sexual functioning.

A rule of thumb in males under 30 is

M = 8 – (2 * I)

where M is the weekly masturbation frequency and I is the weekly frequency of sexual intercourse. So, a male under 30 who has intercourse twice a week probably masturbates four times a week while one without a partner probably masturbates eight times a week.

A sign that you’re masturbating in a healthy fashion is that you recognize that orgasm is imminent but consciously decide to put it off for a while so you can enjoy masturbating longer. That’s a skill that will be most useful when having sex with women.

Friends who’ve met me in real life have heard the sorry tale of nursemyra and Mattress Man. Yes, dear reader, long long ago I met a somewhat amusing, seemingly intelligent and not too unattractive male who inveigled his way into my bed. There was some kissing, a touch of foreplay, an unsuccessful attempt at fellatio….. followed by some frantic thrusting and the deflowering of my Sealy Posturepedic.

Mattress Man lay back upon my ravished sheets in a state of post coital bliss. Having not then attained the wealth of medical knowledge I now possess, I could only look on in wide eyed horror and dream that one day in the future I’d be able to laugh and share this poignant moment with a few hundred strangers around the globe……

from Married To The Sea (click to enlarge)

* Tick

** Double tick

*** Triple tick

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51 CommentsLeave a comment

  1. “…one without a partner probably masturbates eight times a week”

    Oh heck! First I had to cut down on beer, then chips, and now it looks like I have to cut back on wanking!

    • For an old geezer you seem to be full of spunk 😉

  2. I take issue with the statement “The very nature of TMS means that it can only be done in bed.” – pavements work just as well [which has been well documented in the tabloids]…… and fields ……. and beaches [with caution of course] ….. the list is almost endless

    • … and you know this how, daddyp?

      • By taking an active interest in humanity of course …… *whistles innocently*

  3. Sealy Posturepedics can be such tarts.

    • If I’d known in advance I would have opted for a King Coil instead

  4. i looked up masturbation in the dictionary. the definition is sexual self-gratification.
    so i googled gratification because self-gratification can mean anything from eating ice cream to shopping for tube socks.
    google says gratification is a pleasureable emotional reaction to happiness.
    i can certainly understand why guys don’t like to show emotion, especially in showers. but all this supine, prone, only in bed stuff is bullsh*t.
    there’s no bed sheet big enough to contain any pleasurable, emotional reactions to happiness, imho.
    people have a right to be happy anywhere, anytime.
    sera has spoken.

    • I love it when Sera sounds off

  5. Weren’t Catholics warned they’d go blind?

    • Yes we certainly were!

    • We all got that warning…. thats why I only do it a little and wear glasses………..

  6. Horrid, horrid, horrid, I DIDN’T WANT TO KNOW THAT. I think you’re punishing us for having been disappointed at the cinema yesterday. Please tell me you have got a new mattress at least?

    • I think I’ve had two new mattresses since then. That’s how long ago it happened. It’s taken me almost this long to tell the horrifying story

  7. Good grief they do, ahem, say different strokes for different folks but these people need help! as your poor, innocent bed testifies.

    I wonder what the equation is for those of us nearer 50 than 40….

  8. Masturbation is essential so that the hairs that grow on the palms of your hands from masturbation can be worn away.

    • See? there’s something else about sex that I didn’t know

  9. I agree with Woody Alan. Masturbation is sex with someone I love. Plus, you don’t have to buy an expensive dinner beforehand or feel guilty about falling dead asleep right after.

    • I hope you’re eating and sleeping well regardless 😉

      • Didn’t Woody Allen also say “…it’s like bridge – if you don’t have a good partner, you’d better have a good hand!” ?

  10. Remember, the key was that Mattress Man was “amusing.” In many ways. A sense of humor is required from women in order to deal with men. This is one reason angry lesbians are angry – they have no sense of humor. I shall have to investigate the causal relationship between lack of a sense of humor and lesbian behavior.

  11. Being married to old lady thumb and her four daughters does have its drawbacks at times. Being a machinist can mean metal shavings stuck in the palm, which elicits cries of extreme pain, as does woodworking. However, with the assistance of a good set of tweezers, making up can be so much fun.

    • I’ve had great make up sex before but tweezers have never been involved

  12. Eight times a week… that means you have to do it twice on one day. In that case, have a wank in the morning and one in the evening. One wakes you up, the other puts you to sleep. You gotta space out your wanking.

    • If you visited Sydney you wouldn’t have time to think about spacing out your wanks

  13. i’ve encountered some folks who leave me saying “well, now, wasn’t THAT interesting”… but have yet to encounter a matress-pounding sealy-boy. but i gotta say, i may start bringing my own sheets on business trips…

    • Had I already told you this story daisyfae? We did so much revealing at the Acropolis with Dolce that I can’t remember….

      • nope – but i will want details!

  14. I thought I had had about every sexual experience possible, but I have to admit I have never been in bed with a mattress lover. Learn something new every day.

    • Remind me to tell you about Bathroom Boy and Stocking Sam one day too…..

      • This is beginning to read like “Portnoy’s Caomplaint.”

  15. TMS is TMI as in Too much Information. That could make you rub some off the tip.

    • Possibly one of the reasons doctors advice against it!

  16. Excuse me, time to go mastubate

  17. Excuse me, time to go masturbate

    • What? Again already?

  18. I used to work with this guy who said his mother would always tell him to, “Stop blowing your nose all over the shower,” but it wasn’t his nose and it wasn’t mucus. He also tea-bagged a drunken player on his rugby team, which seems very close to a BJ, heh.

    I really don’t miss that place . . .

  19. At last, another woman who has been there!!!!

    Once upon a time there was an excruciatingly brilliant mathematician, political science major and musician who had spent most of the nights of his college career humping his mattress.

    And yup, I got him.

    • Oh my! you’re the only other person who’s admitted to encountering a man with TMS. how nice to know I’m not alone. Was it as much of a shock for you as it was for me sled?

      • I wouldn’t call it a shock so much. The part where he gargled with Lavoris for five minutes after a perfunctory attempt to give head without getting anything on him, that was… well, not shocking exactly. It all rather left me speechless.

        Oddly, we’re still friends.

  20. Healthy for blokes, and I hope just as healthy for sheilas. High fives to to the autoeroticists – but wash your hands first, dammit!

  21. I think I went out with a mattress man in college, but I didn’t know what it was at the time! Now I get it. About damn time.

  22. What a horrible story nurse but I think it comes from being inept and not so much about his masturbation styles but…..oh my….what a disaster.

  23. I’m looking forward to Bathroom Boy, but Stocking Sam..?

    The King

  24. If prone masturbation is so good that one finds it difficult to orgasm any other way, I must give it a try.

  25. Denny can only dream of one day inveigling his way into your bed.

    And it would be a bonus if you were there, too.

  26. Damn it. More proof that math and sex are inexorably intertwined.

  27. The researchers found the happiest other hand, seems much healthier, at different levels, both physically and mentally than those who are not.

  28. Haha, oh yes – I can see how that was, as you say, an experience you could have lived without. Especially since this actually explained a lot about a guy I dated once, as you have probably already guessed, very, very briefly!

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