the gay lord and the doctor of lust

Helmut Hauser had a normal happy childhood until he contracted tuberculosis of the hip when he was sixteen. His parents sent him to a sanatorium in Switzerland run by a doctor named Benedict Lust.

Benedict Lust

Dr Lust was the founder of American naturopathy and the author of a book on zone therapy. Dr Harold Dick was also a naturopath who became interested in this field when he was miraculously cured of boils and his sister in law expelled a cancerous tumour through her vagina – all thanks to one of Dr Lust’s follower’s, Dr Carroll.

Helmut was so impressed with Dr Lust‘s cure that he decided to devote his life to the promotion of nutrition, health and beauty. For this venture he adopted the new name of Gayelord Hauser and launched Swiss Kriss Laxatives.

Gayelord and Garbo

Inspired by this early success Gayelord moved himself and his well-cleansed bowels to pre-War Hollywood where he found a welcoming milieu: the narcissistic youth-obsessed movie community. Soon Marlene and Gloria and all the girls were in the thrall of the good-looking “doctor” who promised to add years to their pampered lives while making them even more beautiful.


Nobody was immune to the audacious and over-reaching pronouncements of Herr Hauser:

– “Lack of calcium produces fear of the dark, nail biting and gossiping.”

– “Worry turns the hair grey by destroying the adrenal glands.”

– “Blackstrap molasses will add five years to your life and re-grow hair on bald spots.”

“that wonderful body of yours”

Was he a quack? Maybe just a little bit, but so what! At least he had charisma and fabulosity. When he wasn’t lounging around his groovy pad in Sicily with his boyfriend Frey Brown and his longtime beard Greta Garbo, or playing canasta with Paulette Goddard and the Duchess of Windsor, he was snapping up 90210 real estate. Gayelord was cool because he took his gay tubercular hip and made an unstoppable brand out of it. Having bought whole chunks of Rodeo Drive when it was cheap, he died a wealthy poofter at the ripe old age of 89.

Paulette Goddard and the hard-milled facial that lasts

The URI to TrackBack this entry is:

RSS feed for comments on this post.

35 CommentsLeave a comment

  1. I’m going to get Larry on those molasses right away…an early Christmas gift. Glad Dr. Dick got rid of those boils–just the name “boils” is pretty disgusting. I’ve always thought so. Thnx for your birdy advice on my blog! Will pass it on to the parents.

    • No, Mixy – stop! Bald is beautiful!

      • I’m with you Mitzi – I love shaved heads

      • I have a shaved head. Figured its less of a hassle than trying all the ‘remedies’.

        If I grow a beard I could be a heavy metal frontman, who knows?

        Entertaining post Nursemyra!

  2. I don’t think his legacy was a lasting one. Hollywood people are still full of shit.

    • Haha… Kyk, you’re the master of the double entendre

      • So true, so true.

  3. Why does the term “Gay lord” always bring back memories of being in elementary school and watching as two red neck kids get ready to fight each other over by the bike racks?

    • I went to an all girls school…..

  4. I bet Doogie Howser was a descendent of Dr Gayelord Hauser, with only a slight change in nomenclature.

  5. Between these doctor’s photos, tuberculosis of the hip, tumors of the vagina and well cleansed bowels I’m not going to be horny the rest of the morning.

    Oh nevermind, I just saw that pic of Marlene and imagined that last girl getting a facial… I’m all good now.

    • Yep. she’s aching for your facial Scott

  6. In my studies of the use of alternative non allopathic medicine and protocols for addiction treatment naturopathy (condemned by the AMA),I concluded that it has some legitimate possibilities. Dr. Lust was critical of over indulgent life style habits such as smoking, promiscuous sex and alcohol consumption.Lust felt allopathic medicines esp. vaccination were a source of pollution and contamination that corrupted the body’s natural healing ability.Certainly waste elimination enhancement relieves the body from storing toxic waste. For example red meat stays in the lower bowels longer than other foods and allows the body more time to absorb these chemicals which deteriorate cell structure wherein colon cancer has a weakened environment to invade and spread due to weakened immunity. Supporting the digestive tract including the liver is important because they must be enabled to perform optimally and medicines and illicit drugs strain the liver and weaken its function processing the overload of toxins.Lust felt the ingestion of grains(gluten proteins) destroy absorbent surfaces of intestines causing nutritional deficiencies. As far as addiction treatment I have concluded that naturopathy’s employment of prevention and restoration has a role in addiction treatment as it encourages life style changes in what is ingested to promote good health.Toxin elimination is the key. Today practitioners are trained in herbalism, acupuncture, counseling, homeopathy, chiropractic,anatomy and physiology, immunology, micro biology, bio chemistry, pathology, nutrition and clinical science. American Association of Naturopathy(Washington DC, 866-358-2267).

    • How does naturopathy prevent addiction?

      • It’s hard to get addicted to homeopathy – as there’s really nothing in it!

        The King

      • My research assignment was to explore two dozen or so holistic and non traditional alternative medicine and Chinese medicine protocols to determine applicability as part of a multifaceted holistic approach to addition treatment. Naturopathy of course does not prevent addiction but may be useful for its role in detoxification. It was not my job to prove or disprove efficacy. I am not a scientist or a doctor or toxicologist and not qualified to make such determinations. But in addition to naturopathy’s detoxification attributes , perhaps an addict’s understanding of the destructive physiological effects re use of illicit drugs may spark that awakening to begin some protocol of recovery. Homeopathy is a field of which I am quite skeptical of having any meaningful influence on physical or mental illness(addiction) treatment. So the research I presented summarized the nature of the protocol, possible application to addiction treatment or not, for the textbook, and it would be left to others to determine efficacy through the clinical studies of others. I produced an anthology of categories for the MA students to research. Yes, much is “snake oil” alright but one conclusion I reached that has some validity is that no matter how effective or ineffective a presented protocol my be, getting the addict to at least consider beginning some form of recovery protocol is a big step in the right direction. Probably none of the non allopathic alternative medicine fields have any curative ability in addiction treatment but I found that many aspects may be useful as restorative(not curative) supplements to an comprehensive treatment plan. For me the solution was a particular 12-Step program. Clean and sober 8 1/2 years.

  7. Making a buck whilst simultaneously fleecing nitwits with snake oil. It’s a business model that’s hard to fault.

  8. Dr. Lust and Frey Brown sound like Bond villains. Maybe someone should write a 007 tome with a gay bent to it. Lot of tormented bowels stuff. I’m sure Ian Flaming would have disapproved.

      • Actually ‘Diamonds are forever’ features two gay villians Mr Kidd and Mr Wint, not supervillians but, none the less riders of the rainbow.

        Now onto my comment… Lust, Helmut, Dick, GAYELORD? Come now this is just getting silly.

  9. Really Harold Dick???? ie Harry Dick?? I think you are making things up now..haha

    • I swear I’m not. Just click the link on Dr Harold Dick’s name

  10. tuberculosis of the hip? never knew that you could get it there… and “Gay Tubucular Hip” would be a great name for a band.

    • you can get TB in almost any part of the body. My mother contracted TB of the stomach as a teenager. She was from Greymouth in NZ, the area where the Pike River mine explosion killed 29 men just over a week ago.

      It’s big news here. Did it get reported in the US?

      • it was in the news. very sad… but of course, because there were no americans killed, nymphette celebrities or drunken actors involved, it didn’t stay front page very long…

  11. It makes perfect sense that Dr. Lust and Dr. Dick would be in the same field of medical study. I’m sure they consulted with Dr. Moist-Vagina on a regular basis.

  12. Helmet Hawser: heeheeheee! That’s funny enough on its own! All we need now is a Kent Scraccia.

  13. My library of health books has a handful of Hauser’s old paperbacks picked up years ago in used bookstores, most of which I would call innocuous and commonsensical: whole unprocessed foods, fresh vegetables, juicing and hydration, pretty sensible alternatives to the high living, rich food and tinkering with amphetamines that were Hollywood as usual during those years. Snake oil is the last thing I would call it.

    If more of America had been eating even roughly the way that Hauser advised, we wouldn’t have this population of two ton invalids.

  14. Very entertaining!

    • Thanks Cin. And welcome to the Gimcrack.

  15. I can totally relate to the good Dr. I tell girls all the time that I have a special “salve” that cures everything from depression to exzema.

  16. Gayelord, Lust, Dick sometype of subliminal message here methinks

    • No…. what gave you that idea Malach?

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: