the best cure for painter’s colic

Christopher Logue is a British poet and author. He has also appeared in a number of films as an actor, most notably as Cardinal Richelieu in Ken Russell’s 1971 film The Devils and as the spaghetti-eating fanatic in Terry Gilliam’s 1977 film Jabberwocky.

image found here

One of his writing projects was True Stories, published in Private Eye Magazine. This is an extract:

“Miss Jennifer Walton was an art student. Usually she lived in London but sometimes she occupied premises in Hampshire. John Carter, a married man of 35, came to the door of these premises, knocked, and when Miss Walton went to see who was there he explained that he was not feeling very well.

Hampshire Regiment Training found here

Miss Walton invited him in and brought a glass of water. While drinking the water Carter told Miss Walton that he was suffering from painter’s colic. He finished the glass, lay down on the floor and asked Miss Walton to stand on his stomach.

image found here

“The best cure is a weight on the stomach” he said. Miss Walton stood on his stomach for a minute. “He told me I wasn’t heavy enough” she said. “I fetched a box but that wasn’t heavy enough either”. Feeling that she had done everything in her power to help Carter, Miss Walton suggested that the large man who lived next door might bring express relief.

image found here

“A large woman would be preferable” said Carter. “I fetched Mrs Stone from next door” Miss Walton continued “and we stood on his stomach together” After this Carter felt better.

Mrs Stone found here

The Magistrate bound him over for twelve months.

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46 CommentsLeave a comment

  1. I somehow don’t think that Mrs Stone from next door looked quite like that. I could be wrong.

    • you’re such an adorable cynic 😉

  2. Looks like some men will try anything for a peep up a dress.

    • Surely she was wearing trousers

  3. Well err…..

  4. For the first and probably only time in my life, I can proudly claim to have written about one of your subjects before you nursemyra.

    Reader discretion advised…

    • I certainly won’t be reading that book

  5. What kind of a friggin’ moron would fall for that? I’m thinking Ms. Walton was too dumb for words. “A big woman would be better.” Right.

    • Maybe, but I think she was just trying to be helpful (and also probably a little bit scared of what might happen to her if she didn’t go along with it)

      • when she left the house to fetch Mrs Stone, she could have called the police. Methinks she was a tad naive

      • Don’t be so hard on her, she was an art student, perhaps she hoped for inspiration?

  6. I would think I would feel a GREAT deal better if Mrs. Stone paid me a visit. Stomach-standing optional – depending on my mood, and the length of her stiletto heels. 😉

    • Keep dreaming John

      • Only about you, my lovely lady, only about you…..

      • 🙂

  7. Mrs Stone just sounds large.

    • But not as large as Mrs Boulder

  8. 12 months just for an upskirt peek?

    • there may also have been a few stains on a blue dress…..

  9. I watched a Luc Besson film last night: Angel-A. The angel was almost as tall as your pictured Mrs Stone. The beginning was similar to the beginning of It’s a Wonderful Life: potential suicide saves life of other potential suicide who happens to be an angel…
    I like films about angels.

    • I haven’t seen that one Syncy. But I did like The Fifth Element

      • Me too. Funky Gaultier costumes in that too.

  10. Hmmm.

  11. Ah, yes — the old “I have painter’s colic trick. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve fallen for that.

    • Have you learned your lesson yet?

  12. I seem to recall Logue being one of the poets at some poetry thing I went to.May have been in a pub. Alcohol was involved.

    And those heels? Hope she wasn’t doing shiatsu in them!

    • Did you read what Nick Q (comment above) had to say about him?

      • Yes, I did read what Nick Q said. I said pretty much the same thing about something of Henry Miller’s. His lifestyle, I think.! And, no, the Greek knock-off does not fire me with enthusiasm.

  13. I would have made Daisy the golden retriever who is almost as heavy as I am to sit on him.

    • Hmmm…. I’m not sure I’d even trust him with a dog

  14. when I had Akathisia “Akathisia, or acathisia, is a syndrome characterized by unpleasant sensations of inner restlessness that manifests itself with an inability to sit still or remain motionless”.
    my girlfriend sitting on my aching feet and legs made me feel a lot better.
    The hospital workers thought it was sexual.
    Another example is Temple Grandin an autistic who converted a cow holding machine to hold her.

    • how long did you suffer from it ?
      hope it doesn’t occur again.

      • It was many years ago when on psychiatric “medications”. I have not had the pain again. I do still recall how painful it was, and the disbelief from those who were not experiencing it.
        Thank you for wishing me good health. I wish you good health in return.

      • I wonder if getting someone to sit on my legs when I suffer from “restless leg syndrome” would help. I’m going to try that next time it happens.

  15. I should have asked the dodgy Vietnamese masseuse to stand on my stomach instead of my back.

    • I had the best massage of my life in Saigon. an hour of being pummeled and walked upon followed by thirty minutes of hot oiled stones. Bliss!!

  16. Hmmm… women only? Sounds like Mr. Carter had more than one “relief” he was trying to express… Painter’s colic, indeed!

  17. there’s a gent at work who has asked me to walk on his chest. in very sharp heels. i’m still thinking about it… perhaps with my SCUBA weight belt?

  18. I’m not sure I can stomach his behaviour myself

  19. Good to know that there are gullible people out there… 😉

  20. I would have thought two people standing on someone’s stomach would do irreparable internal damage, but what do I know?

    However, the Mrs Stone in the photo is welcome to sort out my medical problems anytime.

  21. Hopefully they weren’t wearing heels like that.

  22. That film, The Devils, almost put me off the cinema forever.

  23. I seem to be having some pain in my stomach. Could someone please summon Mrs. Stone and send her over, preferably in her current attire (or complete lack thereof)? Thank you.

  24. and a month after this post, he dies

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