his name is Unilson and he comes from the planet Vanfim

Silvio Berlusconi has his own private fortune teller and her name is Teodora

image found here

She foretold that he would become prime minister, to which he replied that if her predictions came true, he’d guarantee her TV appearances—and riches—for life. Recently, Teodora was kind enough to consent to an interview with Vice Magazine, which must have been boring since she presumably knew what would be asked beforehand.

Vice magazine cover found here

VICE: Tell us how your psychic career started.

“In 1984 I was in a car accident, which put me in a coma for 14 days. When I came around, I had these strange feelings. I thought I was going insane. Hearing the voice in my head for the first time, I refused to accept it was real. In communist times it was very difficult to share such bizarre experiences.

more communist construction images found here

VICE: So who, exactly, is the entity behind the omnipotent voice that is broadcast inside your head?

His name is Unilson, and he comes from the planet Vanfim. What he told me is that everything around us is energy, which contains information about all that exists, much like a giant computer. All you need is the key: a name and birth date. The key allows you to look into the past and the present, and therefore the future.

image found here

VICE: Did Unilson tell you about the origin of this world, of human beings?

Both us and them are God’s creatures, and the extraterrestrials made the robot.

VICE: Is it likely that your alien friends may wish to pay us a visit anytime soon?

They’re already here, they’re the energy making contact with us. But we are not ready yet. They don’t want tot scare us; they just want to help us lead a more earthly and natural life. The indigo and crystal children who have been coming into the world recently are prepared to make contact with them.

VICE: Will the world be ending soon?

2012 will not be the end of the world. However, the system will change and  provide answers to a number of important questions that have been piquing the human mind. For instance, the euro will continue to decline, and by 2016 there will be a new European currency. Germany will embark on a new path and establish its own currency. Italy will be revived and prosper once more. Turkey will become the leader of the Islamic world. China has been trying to see how the land lies before it starts to expand.

polluted land in China found here

VICE: How about the USA?

America is still the top power, but China is claiming the position. There will be  turmoil over some countries’ debts, but the future belongs to the Asian race. America will clash with Iran in an Israel-inspired conflict. Chemical and nuclear war will start from there.

VICE: Oh, man, this doesn’t sound good. Iranians can be a tad extreme.

This is inevitable, and so is the war. Parts of the ocean will be poisoned, the air too, and some of the crops, and not only in Iran but in many parts of the planet. Sea animals will start dying for no visible reason. Countries will become self-encapsulated. Those that have freshwater will not share it; those that have oil will keep it to themselves. Another thing: There will be some problems caused by an asteroid.

Geonosis asteroid battle found here

VICE: What is the future of the Middle East following the Arab Spring?

They will turn to modern Islam, and great changes are in store for their governments. They will be united around their sheikhs and have their own currency. But this and other things I should not tell you, for they are in my new book, which is due out soon.

Bedouin sheikhs found here

VICE: With previous prognostications you’ve made, many failed to come true. For instance, you predicted that Berlusconi would complete his full term, and look what happened.

I am only a tiny conductor of all this energy. I am not perfect, and good for me: Imagine the CIA abducting me, and then I’d have to work for them. Generally, I have about 80 percent reliability, plus the future can be altered by other factors.

image from the CIA museum found here

VICE: What other factors?

Humans, for example. We have been excessively investing in the material, and therefore nothing good awaits us. In 2012, people’s thinking will undergo a process of reevaluation. The flexible ones, who are fit to live with plenty and with little, shall survive, while the rest fall away.

VICE: Do you honestly believe such a change is possible?

The year started with a tragedy in Italy, and remember what happened in Japan last year. Calamities bring people together, and there are more to come. People will be continuously scanned; the computer will become an integral part of any man, like a wristwatch. We shall all be scanned, financially and otherwise, but we’ll also be watched by other civilizations. Time will be running out, and it will seem to us that life is getting shorter and shorter.

wristwatch computer found here

VICE: Won’t it be getting longer?

It surely will. Some people will look like mummies but will live as long as 150 years, thanks to advanced medicine.

image found here

VICE:  How do people of faith respond to your powers?

The Catholic Church will acknowledge the extraterrestrials, who implicitly obey God anyway, so the Vatican and the rest of the churches will have to reconsider their attitude to this particular issue. The first disconcerting thing to happen will be the discovery of God’s particle. And this is due to happen very very shortly……

Published in: on April 10, 2012 at 8:25 am  Comments (56)  
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56 CommentsLeave a comment

  1. i’m waiting to discover God’s particle.
    interesting read, Nursie.

    • waiting for it to be discovered? or do you intend to be the discoverer?

      • waiting for it to be discovered.

  2. Hmm. Suspicious, No mention at all of “So long, and thanks for all the fish.”

    • not to mention the loaves

  3. Blimey! Who will be first to pounce on this? Thetherd Cow? George Pell? Some Southern Baptist?
    Well, not mois!

    • Tetherdcow is busy making robots

  4. Radiation poisoning of planet is not mere conjecture. The capacity has been around for 60 years. The unleashing is what to fear. I don’t understand why countries think nukes are usable weapons. They let off a dozen or so in the Middle East the entire atmosphere is contaminated and if radiation sickness does not kill us the poisoning of the food chain will. It is not a very optimistic future for all of us.

    • Seize the day Carl!

  5. Teodora copped more than a little brain damage in that car accident…

  6. Her book may be coming out soon but I won’t be buying it any time soon – or ever. Most of these world events are predictable with “…about 80% reliability.”
    As for being told my own personal future? No thanks…good or bad, I prefer not knowing.

    • I wouldn’t mind having a rough idea of what’s in store for me. That way I could decide whether or not to blow my savings if I’m not going to live long enough to retire

      • Good point – an approximate “deadline” would be good to know in terms of planning – and possibly spending…

  7. Oh my Buddha, I’m freakin’ out here!

  8. Now we wait and watch…

  9. I can predict with 80% reliability too. That is why I can never win the damn lottery.

    • Yeah but there’s that 20% chance that you’ll win at some point Bearman.

  10. Nuclear war, asteroids, aliens and the Catholic Church! She really spreads the blame.

  11. So Teodora’s alien friends “just want to help us lead a more earthly and natural life.” I wish they’d get on with it then, things are getting pretty desperate on this lunatic planet.

  12. “Parts of the ocean will be poisoned, the air too,” right … .because the air and the ocean stay in one spot.

  13. Hmm. the catholic church will acknowlege extraterrestrials. Not a big stretch, since they already have the angel talking to Mary and other events like that….

    Very interesting. I think it is fascinating that she thinks the CIA might abduct her and then she would have to work for them.

  14. the only thing that i like more than the future is the past.

  15. About the only thing I can confidently predict is that she is full of it. Though it would be ironic if we are in a simulation and she’s kinda fluked it with that one, another monkey with a typewriter…

    The King

    • ps The Communist Constructions link is fantastic!

      • That book looks great, and if you google ‘abandoned communist monuments’ you get some amazing stuff- the former Yugoslavia went on a building frenzy that could have been designed by the Vanfimians and the Balkans is now littered with some amazing structures.

      • I’m glad you guys checked out the link, they’re pretty impressive structures aren’t they?

  16. Why would I trust extraterrestrials? Wouldn’t they have their own unearthly agenda…? Just askin’.

    • According to every sci fi movie I’ve ever seen, they ALWAYS have an agenda

  17. It’s often difficult to distinguish Berlusconi’s life from an episode of The Benny Hill Show.

    • Yes, the size of Teodora’s decolletage is no surprise at all.

      • She could have stepped right off a BH set

  18. Haha why don’t aliens talk to me. I could do with making money out the gullible!

    • I don’t think you’re indigo enough for them Jams

  19. It’s interesting. Half of her stuff sounds completely loco, and the rest sounds sort of okay. The okay stuff is essentially common sense, though. You realize I’m referring to the extraterrestrials, right?

    • Of course. You’re a shrink, everything you say comes with medical backing

      • The best doomsday theories always have a tiny bit of truth in them. Note I said “tiny”.

  20. Wow. Whole lotta crazy there.

  21. The very idea of living up to 150 years. Yikes!

    • It fills me with horror

      • I know. I don’t get why someone would want to increase the lifespan any more than we already have. They will only expect us to work longer and where’s the fun in that???

  22. Problems with an asteriod doesn’t sound good. I hope they’re just small problems.

  23. I enjoyed this post a lot. I spent way too much of my past fearing the future. Then I fell in love and had children.

    The future ain’t what it used to be.

    -Yogi Berra, baseball dude

  24. Ain’t she a big ol’ pile of fun? Remind me to invite her to my next party…

    • She’d be great after a few of your jelly shots daisyfae

  25. Unilson spelled backwards is Noslinu, whcih, in the native Vanfim tounge, means “scam.”

    Is it my imagination or do I always seem to post right below Daisy?

    • You two are always on the same wavelength

      • Hilarious!!

  26. God’s Particle……. interesting….

    I’m predicting in the near future that I’ll be wearing one of those iPod watches!

  27. It’s taking your page a bit longer to load than it normally does…
    WIFI must be a bit spotty down here in the shelter…

  28. Does the watch come in red? I’m not wearing it if it’s green.

    • I didn’t realise you were so colourist Cindy

  29. Many of her predictions seem valid–but more from simple observation of the world around her than any psychic ability. She’s somewhat of a futurist, but not a psychic–which is good. Futurists observe the world in the present and past for predictions of the future. But very few real psychics exist–and these true psychics have the integrity not to whore-out their gift. In other words, anyone who’ll tell you your future for money is a fraud.

  30. If Scientology had not already been invented, I think Tom Cruise would be jumping all over the couch on this one. I love the Communist construction images too. Fantastic link.

    • By the way … I had someone tell me once that autism diagnoses were being wrongly given out to “indigo children”. You can imagine how that went down with me.

  31. Wow, our future’s so bright we’ll have to wear shades … on account of the nuclear holocaust in a few years. I better come see you in Oz soon.

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