those unhappy Habsburgs

Ferdinand I, (1793-1875) like many royals, was the son of first cousins. His father, Emperor Francis, had a prodigious sexual appetite and married four times. He was known as the “wife killer” as it was rumoured he rogered his first three wives to death with his awesome libido.

Ferdinand found here

Poor Ferdinand was born with a hydrocephalic head and suffered from epilepsy. His tongue was too large for his mouth, making it almost impossible for him to speak coherently though he was once recorded as saying “I am the Emperor and I want dumplings”.

Felt dumpling found here

The Emperor’s idea of a good time was to wedge his backside in a wastepaper basket and roll around the floor in it.

Charles (Carlos) II (1661-1700) of Spain was the product of a marriage between Empress Maria Anna and Emperor Ferdinand III. Maria Anna happened to be her husband’s niece as well as his wife so she was both Charles’ mother and first cousin. 

Maria Anna found here

He was born physically and mentally disabled, and disfigured. Possibly through affliction with mandibular prognathism, he was unable to chew. His tongue was so large that his speech could barely be understood, and he frequently drooled.

Charles II found here

A sickly four year old when he succeeded his father, he reigned for 35 years. When he came to the throne he was still being breastfed by relays of fourteen wet nurses. His first wife spoke of his premature ejaculation, while his second spouse complained about his impotency. The French ambassador even managed to get a pair of Charles’ drawers examined by surgeons for traces of sperm, but the doctors could not agree about their findings.

image found here

Over the years Charles grew steadily worse. He was lame, epileptic and bald at the age of 35. His hair had fallen out, his teeth were nearly gone and his eyesight was failing. In 1698 he had three fits and became deaf. The doctors put freshly-killed pigeons on his head to prevent dizziness and applied the steaming entrails of mammals to his stomach to keep him warm, but he died nevertheless.

image found here

Charles’ successor was Philip V who was unfeasibly oversexed even by the royal standards of the day. He was a religious maniac yet a complete slave to his libido. His minister even said of him “all he needs in life is a couch and a woman“. His first mental breakdown occurred in 1717. He refused to see anyone except his wife, and only saw her because he required sexual intercourse. Philip then kept Marie Louise at his side day and night to such an extent that their bodily functions were made to synchronise.

woman and couch found here

However, four pregnancies, sleepless nights and icy rooms proved too much for Marie Louise. Doctors filed past the dying Queen and examined her from a distance, because etiquette forbade them to touch her. Philip V was not a considerate husband; until the last minute he wanted to enjoy those delights, which he would not know again for a long time. He had to be torn from her deathbed.

Marie Louise found here

Philip’s day was well ordered. He imposed an eccentric timetable on the court, which remained unchanged for most of his reign. The King went to bed about 8 o’clock in the morning, rising at midday to have a light meal. At 1 o’clock he dressed and went to mass, then received visitors, and spent the evening looking out of the window, playing with his clocks, or being read to, until it was time for a musical or theatrical entertainment. Sometime after midnight he called in his ministers to transact business, until 5 o’clock in the morning, when supper was taken with the windows closed.

(world’s most expensive?) clock found here

By 1727 his mental state had deteriorated so badly that his second wife effectively took over the rule of Spain. He refused to change his clothes and wandered the palace in filthy stinking rags, biting his arms and hands while screaming and singing. He suffered from delusions, believing that he could not walk because his feet were of different size. For a while, he believed he had turned into a frog. He spent entire days lying in bed in his own excrement, refusing to have his hair or toenails cut or his beard shaved. Pen and paper were kept out of his reach, because an impulsive abdication was feared. This unhappy life was finally brought to an end by a stroke on July 9th, 1746.

read about the transparent frog here

mad monarchy

The Madness of King George has been well documented but he wasn’t the craziest monarch by any means…

Georgie found here

King Charles VI of France believed he was made of glass and hated travelling by coach as he thought the vibrations would shatter him to pieces.

Maserati covered in shattered glass found here

Queen Juana of Spain so loved her husband Philip she had his body embalmed and took it travelling with her wherever she went.

Queen Juana found here

Princess Alexandra of Bavaria was convinced as a child that she had swallowed a grand piano. Her nephew King Otto once burst into a crowded church wearing a shooting jacket and a deerstalkers hat. He hurled himself face down at the altar, confessing to a long list of sexual misdemeanours involving pageboys. He also thought the best way to preserve sanity was to shoot a peasant a day. His servants would load his pistol with blanks and disguise themselves as peasants who, when fired upon, dutifully dropped to the ground and pretended to be dead.

image found here

Peter the Great of Russia established a Museum of Curiosities to display what he called freaks of nature. The museum’s caretaker was a dwarf with only two fingers on each hand and two toes on each foot. He knew only too well that when he died his own body would be stuffed and put on display with the bizarre collection. Peter was obsessed with dwarfs and held a lavish funeral ceremony with a tiny hearse and coffin drawn by miniature horses when one of his favourites died. For contrast the funeral procession of little people was flanked by 50 extra tall grenadiers. He also employed a French giant who was over 7’6″ tall, and dressed him up like a baby to participate in another dwarf parade. When the giant died, he too was stuffed and added to the museum.

Peter’s collection of teeth found here