the best cure for painter’s colic

Christopher Logue is a British poet and author.┬áHe has also appeared in a number of films as an actor, most notably as Cardinal Richelieu in Ken Russell’s 1971 film The Devils and as the spaghetti-eating fanatic in Terry Gilliam’s 1977 film Jabberwocky.

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One of his writing projects was True Stories, published in Private Eye Magazine. This is an extract:

“Miss Jennifer Walton was an art student. Usually she lived in London but sometimes she occupied premises in Hampshire. John Carter, a married man of 35, came to the door of these premises, knocked, and when Miss Walton went to see who was there he explained that he was not feeling very well.

Hampshire Regiment Training found here

Miss Walton invited him in and brought a glass of water. While drinking the water Carter told Miss Walton that he was suffering from painter’s colic. He finished the glass, lay down on the floor and asked Miss Walton to stand on his stomach.

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“The best cure is a weight on the stomach” he said. Miss Walton stood on his stomach for a minute. “He told me I wasn’t heavy enough” she said. “I fetched a box but that wasn’t heavy enough either”. Feeling that she had done everything in her power to help Carter, Miss Walton suggested that the large man who lived next door might bring express relief.

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“A large woman would be preferable” said Carter. “I fetched Mrs Stone from next door” Miss Walton continued “and we stood on his stomach together” After this Carter felt better.

Mrs Stone found here

The Magistrate bound him over for twelve months.