healthy strokes

Since this is (or was) a hospital blog you’re probably expecting a post on TMS to be about transcranial magnetic stimulation. This is not the case today as it’s my sad duty as a medical professional to instead warn you about the dangers of traumatic mastubatory syndrome.

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TMS is the habit some males have of masturbating in a face-down (prone) position. Some TMS practitioners rub their penises against the mattress, pillow, or other bedding, or the floor, others lie on their stomachs and thrust into their hands.*


These sensations are not easily replicated in conventional masturbation or in sexual intercourse. It’s a common experience among males who are used to masturbating face down to engage in sexual intercourse for over half an hour, fail to have an orgasm, and then try to reach orgasm in an atypical way, such as thrusting the penis against his partner’s legs, palm, or bed. Needless to say, the female partners of these men find their behavior unusual and disturbing.**

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Conventional masturbation is a basic sexual skill for males. By not being able to masturbate conventionally, these males are lacking a basic sexual skill. Dr. Lawrence I. Sank reiterates that masturbation is supposed to be performed with the hand while lying supine. The very nature of TMS means that it can only be done in bed. Normal males can masturbate almost anywhere.

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Most men with TMS, if they can have intercourse at all, are usually limited to the “missionary” position. They also report an inability to achieve orgasm from fellatio.*** Since they are unable to manually stimulate themselves to orgasm, naturally they are unable to have manual intercourse performed on them by a partner. The majority of males who masturbate conventionally have had intercourse successfully in at least five positions.

Let’s take a step back from masturbation and talk about ejaculation. It’s necessary for males past puberty to ejaculate. The male sexual organs produce a number of fluids that have to be eliminated periodically. Doctors specializing in sexuality generally agree that a male must ejaculate at least once every two weeks to avoid damage to his sexual functioning.

A rule of thumb in males under 30 is

M = 8 – (2 * I)

where M is the weekly masturbation frequency and I is the weekly frequency of sexual intercourse. So, a male under 30 who has intercourse twice a week probably masturbates four times a week while one without a partner probably masturbates eight times a week.

A sign that you’re masturbating in a healthy fashion is that you recognize that orgasm is imminent but consciously decide to put it off for a while so you can enjoy masturbating longer. That’s a skill that will be most useful when having sex with women.

Friends who’ve met me in real life have heard the sorry tale of nursemyra and Mattress Man. Yes, dear reader, long long ago I met a somewhat amusing, seemingly intelligent and not too unattractive male who inveigled his way into my bed. There was some kissing, a touch of foreplay, an unsuccessful attempt at fellatio….. followed by some frantic thrusting and the deflowering of my Sealy Posturepedic.

Mattress Man lay back upon my ravished sheets in a state of post coital bliss. Having not then attained the wealth of medical knowledge I now possess, I could only look on in wide eyed horror and dream that one day in the future I’d be able to laugh and share this poignant moment with a few hundred strangers around the globe……

from Married To The Sea (click to enlarge)

* Tick

** Double tick

*** Triple tick